The Unofficial Rules of College Friendships

Because nobody gives you a handbook on how to find your people.

College friendships are a funny thing. One day you’re sitting next to a complete stranger in class, and a few months later you’re roommates sitting in your kitchen listening to the details of the most recent life crisis. Somewhere between late night conversations, spontaneous adventures, and questionable decisions, strangers become some of the most important people in your life.

After almost three years of college, I’ve learned that there are a few unofficial rules to finding and keeping your people.

Rule #1: The best plans are usually unplanned

Some of my favorite memories have come from random conversations that turned into “hey some of us are playing soccer on Friday” or “do you want to study in the library with us?” Whether it’s a spontaneous coffee run, a bike ride, or deciding to try something new on a Tuesday night, I’ve learned that you don’t need an elaborate plan to have a god time, sometimes all it takes is one person saying, “wait, what if we…”

Rule #2: your friends should be your biggest fans

A very important thing I’ve learned in this wild roller coaster we all pay thousands to ride is that your friends should make you feel like you can fly. It sounds corny, but it truly is important to surround yourself with people who genuinely want to see you succeed. I’m now lucky enough to have roommates who get excited about every boy detail, latest event, or gasp that we overheard in the kitchen. No joke, we will stop everything and huddle in the kitchen to listen in on someone’s recent events. It’s my own little Friends episode!

Not everyone’s experience is going to have the dreamy experience of meeting the perfect friends. Trust me, I’ve had a couple falling outs myself and they’re not always pretty, and some odd roommates. People get freaked out when friends phase in an out of their circles. But the truth is that it’s normal to have friends come and go. I think the media portrays college as a rose colored world where everyone gets along well, and that the person you meet on day one is guaranteed to be your bestie for the restie. Sorry if I’m sounding a bit bitter, some students have a wonderful time finding their people. But remember it is perfectly normal to be adjusting your circles. It doesn’t mean something is wrong with you or your ability to talk to your peers. The right people will always find you and you only need a couple that make you feel like the most important person in the room.

Rule #3: Showing up is better than showing off

Friendship isn’t just about big gestures, in fact sometimes it’s not at all. Everyone loves little surprises here and there. I love getting my friends coffee when I’m out and I’m thinking of them, making them a cute little craft, or giving a hug after a long day. I’ve learned that being a good friend means being there for the ordinary moments too, not just the exciting ones.

I had a couple roommates who are a good example of this rule. I ran a lot of races last year, most of them were early mornings but not too bad that my friends couldn’t wake up for. Whenever I mentioned my races to them, they would light up and love to come support. But without fail every Friday night they would party way too hard and sleep until 2 p.m. Instead of complaining about it, I just remembered to go forward with kindness and make sure that I went to their events. I never missed a recital, softball game, or study session. Because being a reliable, kind friend means more to me than a couple of missed races.

Rule #4: Find people who let you be yourself

College is full of opportunities to reinvent yourself, and chances are the friends you make through different parts of the year are also trying identities on. The best friendships are the ones where you don’t feel like you have to change yourself to fit in. It has taken me almost three years to finally find a group where they embrace my adventurous, slightly chaotic personality rather than asking me to tone it down.

Trust your gut, if you feel like you have to make excuses, explain yourself, force a laugh, or stay quiet when around friends then they probably aren’t your people. Take it from someone who’s been in those shoes. It’s uncomfortable and doesn’t make me feel good inside. So chose to find people who fill your bucket with every interaction, big or small.

The final rule: Don’t take your people for granted

College goes by fast. Like really fast. Between classes, intrammurals, applying for internships, it’s easy to overlook how special these everyday friendships are.

So take all the pictures, make spontaneous plans, and tell your friends you love them every chance you get. Don’t sweat the small stuff, or when they sleep through your running race, or if they don’t snag your morning coffee for you.

It’s a-okay to be figuring out who are your people and who aren’t. It’s okay to have drama that makes the group a little tense at dinner. Just know that letting one friend go is just a hard way of saying another friend will come. You tend to find friends in unlikely places.

Hang in there

xx, KJ